Feeling curiously vulnerable today

 I grew up in a household that considered good housekeeping to be a moral imperative.  We were the family that cleaned the house from floor to ceiling if we knew guests were coming, and we spent all day every Saturday cleaning just in case someone showed up unexpectedly.  And, if someone showed up out of the blue and the house was anything less than perfect?  Well, that was a source of shame.

Two years ago, my mom moved in with me, relocating from Wyoming to Texas so I could take better care of her.  She has Alzheimer's. While she's still engaged with the world around her, she's in the middle stages of the disease and requires a lot of care.  

Taken individually, the things she needs help with are pretty light duty:  getting her meds, cooking dinner, keeping track of her appointments, paying her bills, etc.  Nevertheless, they add up.  

When she first moved in, she was still able to do quite a bit around the house.  I cooked.  She did the dishes and cleaned most of the common areas.  Little by slow, though, I've had to take on more of the household chores.  It started when she asked if we could start using the dishwasher (she preferred to do them by hand).  A few months later, she couldn't seem to wrap her head around unloading the dishwasher.  Then she stopped loading it.  Stopped taking out the trash.  Stopped most everything.

Sometimes she rallies and completes tasks but, for the most part, she just doesn't have the executive function left to take on those tasks with any kind of regularity.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly slowly, I've taken on more and more of the household chores until, one day last month, I realized I couldn't do any more.  I needed something to give, so I hired a cleaning service.

Today was their first visit.  It won't be their last.  While my anticipation of their first visit was anxiety-provoking, the actual visit was a miracle.  They got straight to work, giving me no time to apologize for the mess we'd left them, no opportunity to feel self-conscious.  

Even better, they were incredibly personable.  While it was a distraction from my end-of-the-semester grading, I enjoyed listening to them talking to Mom, and I could tell she really enjoyed having someone new to talk to.  

Totally worth it!

Photo by Anton on Unsplash